Interesting theory, but not my experience. I am a recovering co-dependent who is now in a two year relationship with someone of the same. Both of us were casualties of pathologically selfish people for almost two decades, and both of us were the ones who did everything we possibly could to save our marriages to the point of our own undoing.
(So many reasons why, including but not limited to social and religious conditioning, learned behavior from childhood, the normalization of unhealthy family patterns, cultural pressure, fear of failure, financial security, children, and of course, a lack of self love.)
Initially, our intense connection stemmed from our shared experience. We were both devastated by our former spouses and starving not only to be loved, but also, and perhaps even more importantly to both of us, give love to someone who would appreciate and treasure it. And at first because of it, the relationship couldn’t have been more magical, pure, and “healthy”.
As we continued to grow together as a couple, however, we did not fall into the dynamic of one of us becoming a narcissist. We did start to become dysfunctional though. Two selfless people coming together to give and receive love might be amazing at first, but it too is still imbalanced.
If the narcissist-codependent relationship is best visualized as a teeter totter of selfless to selfish behavior, with the codependent on one side stuck on the ground in selflessness and the narcissist on the other side of selfishness flying high in the air, the codependent/codependent relationship is two people sitting on the ground on one side. No one is going anywhere and no one is having any fun.
Examples of this experience include, offering advice to one another without being asked; trying to fix the other person’s residual pain and trauma and feeling responsible for doing so; moving way too fast too quickly; obsessing over minor decisions and comments; failing to assert our needs to one another for fear of hurting the other; etc.
The patterns of codependent behavior do not change just because you leave a narcissist. They have to be consciously addressed and worked on, or they will simply play out over and over again.
I had been the “good one” (so I truly believed) in my marriage for 20 years. I was the one with the advice to give. I was the one who “fixed” people and situations. I was the “responsible” one who had to control everything and everyone to feel emotionally safe, from finances to lawn care to chores to child rearing. The list is endless what you become competent at out of necessity when you marry a narcissist or other personality disordered person and/or with an addiction.
Imagine two people with this behavior coming together! Here’s what it actually looks like:
A lack of honest communication out of fear of hurting someone; two people positioning for control because they’ve always had to have it; both people offering unsolicited advice; both people putting everyone else’s needs first to the point of growing resentful…sounds familiar, right?
So no, neither of us became a narcissist. But we did realize pretty quickly that our old ways were not going to work in this new relationship. With counseling, learning new skills, and having a conscious awareness of the habits and coping skills we adopted to survive our marriages (and childhoods) and making a decision not to repeat them, we have been able to have and sustain the most balanced, healthy relationship of our lives.
It is possible for two codependents to do so. You just have to learn how to sit in the middle of the teeter totter.
